


You are not worthless

by fangirl_from_the_bookstore



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Derek Helps Stiles, I am sorry but this is very dark at some points, M/M, Stiles is depressed, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-03-03 13:44:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13342473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirl_from_the_bookstore/pseuds/fangirl_from_the_bookstore
Summary: I am standing in the middle of the room.Shoulders hunched.Mind....blankExcept for one very heavy thoughtI am worthless





	You are not worthless

**Author's Note:**

> Okay guys, I don't know why I wrote this, but I guess this here is the place where I can write what I am feeling and yeah  
> Sorry, that this is so depressing  
> If you need help or anything, talk to someone and get help please ♥ be safe

I am standing in the middle of the room.

Shoulders hunched.

Mind....blank

Except for one very heavy thought

 

_I am worthless_

 

I get these thoughts more often now. Especially after days like this one. School was fine and all, but then there is of course the whole supernatural thing going on. So we had to run for our lives again. Fighting to survive. Over and over again. I don't know how long I can keep doing this. Sometimes I just want to stop and let the beasts or hunters get me. Then this all here would be over. It's like my body is on autopilot the last days? Or weeks? I can't remember times when I felt happy. Anyway. My body knows that it has to run from all this and fight back or whatever, but my mind is empty. I just do things because my body knows that I need them, like sleeping and eating. But my mind starts to trick my body and so some days my stomach hurts so bad, but I can't eat. And this isn't the only thing on my mind right now. Then there is also college. Weird to think about building a future when all you can think about in the morning is question if you are going to survive another day. Writing applications is the last thing on my mind right now.

 

The phone rings and it is my dad. I don't want him to worry, so I try my best to get my act together again. I clear my throat and try to put a smile on my face to make my voice sound happier. Over the years I've learned some tricks to hide my emotions. I am still trying to play the act of the sarcastic kid. Even though on the inside I am so sad that sometimes when I am alone I don't know what to do with myself.

 

“Hey dad, what's up?”, I am surprised at how happy my voice actually sounds. If my dad would be in front of me right now, he would think that the guy on the phone is my twin, because the state I am currently in doesn't match the voice on the phone. I mean look at me. I am pale and skinny with no muscles. The only thing on my body are my moles and ugly scars from all the fights I somehow survived. I am ugly and horrible to look at. My eyes are often red from either crying or not sleeping and the bags under them seems to be permanently branded into my skin now. _Why are they even keeping me in their pack?_

 

“I am just calling to let you know, that....that I won't make it for dinner...There is a new case coming in and we need to do it ASAP. I am really sorry Stiles...”, I can feel the worry already rising in his voice. He hates it when he has to cancel on dad and son time, but without his job we would probably be homeless, so I don't hate him for that. It's just today out of all days I actually needed him.

 

“That's okay, I was going to catch up on homework anyway.”, I reply and make an annoyed sound to further clarify my fake mental state. The truth is, my homework is still unfinished in my bag, I was going to do it later that night. I can't sleep through the whole night without waking up anyway, so why not be productive during that time?

 

“Well don't stay up too late son”, he says with a grin, “Love you.”

 

“Love you too dad.”, I answer with a smile. And then the phone call ends and my face drops. I was actually looking forward to tonight, I need some distraction from myself. Because sometimes these voices in my head are so loud that I just want to scream. They are overwhelming and I am powerless. My head is throbbing and I can already feel the sobs stuck in my throat. So this small drawback which really isn't a big thing is the cause of me breaking down. I sink to the floor crying, head in my hands, choking noises coming from my mouth.

 

_I am worthless_

 

_I am worthless_

 

The voices in my head are getting louder and louder. _No wonder my dad is staying at the station. I wouldn't want to come home to a son like me anyway._ I know I shouldn't think like that and that the voices are just my subconscious driving me crazy, but I can't help it. My whole body is tingling and my stomach twists and turns. My palms are getting sweaty and the blood is rushing through my ears. I don't want to do this anymore. I just want everything to stop. In my mind a plan starts to form. A very dark one. I know how many pills I need to take to-

And then the phone rings a second time. I open my eyes and through the tears I see the caller ID.

 

Derek.

 

Of course it is Derek.

 

I know I shouldn't keep him waiting, he is just going to come by and I don't know what I would do if he was actually in front of me. So I sit on my bed, still sniffing, trying to get my ragged breath under control. I take deep breaths and close my eyes.

 

_Breathe._

 

_Just breathe._

 

_In and Out._

 

_That's it._

 

I open my eyes again and answer the phone.

 

“What took you so long?”, asks Derek on the other end of the phone.

 

“Sorry, the phone was laying in my bedroom and I was in the kitchen. Had to run.”, I am proud of myself for finding an explanation for my still short breaths. At least this isn't going to make him suspicious.

 

“Ah okay, listen,”, and then he states the next problem we are in and I just listen. I am so relieved, that he didn't suspect anything, he can be pretty clingy once he knows that I am not okay. Which I really appreciate, don't get me wrong, just not right now.

 

And then it happens. My nose is itching and I sniff.

 

_Oh shit._

 

I hear Derek stop mid sentence. I myself stop breathing entirely which isn't suspicious at all, g _reat job Stiles!_

 

“Stiles, have you been crying?”, his voice is worried and also reproachful.

 

“No, I was just...you know...I ran the way from the kitchen to...uhm”, I start to explain myself, but fail miserably when a small sob escapes my lips. I put my hand over my mouth in an effort to catch it, but it's too late. _Well isn't this just great?_

 

“I am coming over.”, he says and ends the phone call. I sigh and let my head fall in my hands. Tears are spilling over again and I don't even know why. Another day where the pack has to worry about the tiny and helpless human. I hate the feeling of being vulnerable and weak. I hate it! That's why I always try my best to pretend. They all have bigger problems than I do so they don't need to worry about my stupid things. Derek must have been just around the corner, because before I can continue with this thought he doesn't even knock on the window but opens it and steps inside my room.

 

I look up. My eyes are burning and my cheeks are wet from too many tears. There is probably snot running down my face as well, but I can't anymore. I feel raw and vulnerable, but I am so tired of pretending. Tomorrow I can try to explain it to him. That it was just an effect of sleep deprivation or the constant fear of dying. But not today. I can't pretend anymore. I just need someone to be here with me right now.

 

“What's wrong?”, Derek rushes to my side and takes my shaking hands in his.

 

“Nothing, it's just..”, but my voice fails and I start to cry again. The sobs are shaking my whole body and I can't get enough air in my lungs. Derek immediately pulls me into a bone crushing hug and starts stroking my hair. I can't help but reliving the days after my mum died. My dad never left my side, because I was a mess. I always felt guilty, that he had to care for me, when he is the one needing comfort as well. _Why is it always me?_

 

We stay like this for a while. Somehow he seems to understand, that even though if I wanted to, my voice would fail me. So he lets me cry before asking me more questions. Finally after what feels like an eternity, the shaking stops but the tears are still coming. Rolling hot down my cheeks.

 

“Please tell me what's wrong.”, Derek whispers and holds me even closer. I weigh what to say next. I want to say that I am okay. That he can go now and that I will be fine. Like I always am. But my brain had already decided for an answer.

 

“I am worthless.”, I manage to choke out. Derek freezes in his motion and holds his breath. He didn't expect that. Before he can say anything I start to ramble.

 

“I always say the wrong things....I get you guys in danger....all the time...my dad...he lost his love...my mum...I can't”, I take a shaky breath, “I can't do this....it hurts...so bad...all you guys do...is...is worry over me...and I....I am so sorry...for being such a burden...I don't have a place in this world...I don't even know why...why I am still here...I am so sorry...I am nothing...no one”, my voice fails me.

 

Derek is still frozen in place. I can feel his heart going a million miles an hour. Very slowly he looses the embrace and takes a deep breath. But nothing is coming out of his mouth. It's like he is looking for the right words. I am still crying, now silently, sitting on the bed with my hands now in my lap. Derek looks at me and I am pretty sure all he sees is this broken boy. The shell of the man I once was. But all these wars have broken me. And I just can't do it anymore. After a while he seems to have found his voice.

 

“You are not worthless, okay?”, he takes my head in his hands, forcing me to look him in the eyes, “You are not worthless”, he says again, emphasizing every word, because he doesn't know what else to say.

 

I don't believe him and I think he knows it, too. But I nod and whisper “okay” before hiding my head in his neck again. I can hear him exhale deeply and I want to take it all back and say that I am alright, just so that he isn't going to worry, but not today.

 

Not today.

 


End file.
